Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. Even Muggles feel their presence, though they can’t see them.
Depression is fucking ugly.
In the light of Robin Williams’ death, this has gotten me thinking…especially about my own battle with depression in late 2012.
It was the most darkest time I had ever gone through. I felt like the Dementors was visiting me every day. Initially, I bottled everything up and pretended that everything was well and dandy…until one November afternoon, everything came crashing down onto me. I broke the camel’s back if you will.
I stuffed up at work. I stuffed up a couple of friendships. Why? I shut everyone off. I wouldn’t share my feelings about everything and the world around me. I constantly felt like I wanted to say a big fat FUCK YOU to the world and disappear. I knew I wasn’t okay, but I denied it.
On the day when everything came to light for me, I realised I had to be honest to myself and everyone else in my life. So, I posted a status on Facebook saying “I want to say I’m okay, but fuck this. I’m not ok. I want to tell the world to fuck off and disappear”.
I didn’t do this to seek attention. I just had to get it off my chest. I didn’t think people would comment – especially to remind me that they’re there for me. You know, at the time, I thought I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through. But…to my complete surprise, so many people sent me messages. So if you’re one of those people – thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I then realised that people out there love me for who I am. This made me feel a bit better.
People suggested me to see an counsellor and to go on anti-depressants. I did consider those, and I researched a couple of counsellors. However, my gut instincts was saying that only ME can help and save myself. Just me. I was responsible for my depression, so I had to pull myself out of it.
Rome wasn’t built overnight…and I didn’t snap out of it overnight either. It wasn’t until early 2013 when I found my outlet by blogging. Every time I blogged, I felt better. It was like an anti-depressant for me.
I had read Harry Potter numerous times, and it has helped me to cope through terrible times especially during my teen years and early adulthood. Harry Potter was another outlet of mine, and I re-read the whole series. JK Rowling battled with depression, and her writing about the Dementors reflected on that…and she reminded me that I was battling my own Dementors. It wasn’t pretty, you see. Like Lupin said in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, they’re fucking ugly creatures and I wouldn’t wish them upon anyone, even my worst enemy.
I also found another outlet in planning my European adventure. Every time I booked a hostel, bus, flight, etc, I felt excited and optimistic for the future.
Europe helped me to find myself, and that it did. I’ve been on a soul search ever since then, and I’m loving it.
Robin Williams’ death brings the topic of depression to light on a large public scale. Depression is a taboo topic for many people, and we don’t like to discuss it. True this may be, but we need to acknowledge that it is okay to reach out for help whenever you feel like you’re being surrounded by a Dementor or twenty.
Celebrities are humans like us. Williams had been battling with severe depression for many years, and he even turned to drugs and alcohol to try and cope. There’s many other people out there who have done the same. No matter who we are, and how famous we may be…we’re all humans regardless.
It’s unfortunate that the death of a world renowned actor & comedian has brought this to the light, but in a way, we’re becoming more aware of how depression can be a killer illness.
Don’t be afraid to call out for help – even if it’s on Facebook or any social media platform. Send a text message to someone you trust the most and let them know that you’re not ok. Pick up the phone and give someone a call. Contact a helpline. Heck, send me an email if you want to.