Letters to Stephen: December 18, 2018

Me at 6 months with my father

Dear Stephen,

I dreamt of you again last night. It happens during this time of the year – particularly because it was around this time in 2006 when I last saw you.

And to be frank, I’m fed up with having these dreams.

Despite you not being in my life, I am sick of the hold you have on me. I am sick of you being a major blockage in my life.

You were supposed to be the father I needed.

But no, you chose to abandon me when I was 3.

You stopped being a father when you made the choice to leave me and my life.

Since your departure, the question on my mind has always been:

Why did my father leave me?

I’ve been looking for an answer to that all my life. I thought you would provide me with an answer to my question.

I need to start accepting that I’ll never get an answer, especially from you.

I need to let you know that I’m not angry; I’m disappointed.

The most disappointing moment was you failing to stand up for your first-born. Thrice.

The first time when you left me.

The second time when you chose not to tell your children about me.

The third time when you defended your wife in light of your children finding out about me.

In hindsight, these occurrences has made me realise that you’ve never been a father to me.

I wanted my father to provide me with guidance through my life along with my mother.

Instead, my mother has been doing that on her own. She got zero support from you. She did an exceptional job of moulding me into the person I am today. She made mistakes along the way; she learnt from her mistakes and did better.

Most importantly, she is a constant inspiration in my life.

I wanted my father to provide me with another perspective in life. I wanted to understand you as a person. I wanted to understand myself better through you.

That was all I wanted from you.

When I had contact with you, I thought I would be given with an opportunity to establish a father-daughter relationship with you.

I thought I would have opportunities to meet your wife and children.

Instead, I was given an opportunity to meet the rest of the family. It wasn’t easy re-connecting with the family as an adult, although it is not something I regret. This experience has taught me so much, particularly with allowing others time to connect with one another.

I’ve been blessed with the presence of Jason and Sharyn. They (including their children) have been a constant presence in my life, and I am very thankful for that.

Because of them, I’ve been blessed with opportunities to learn more about what makes me the person I am today.

I’ll never have a proper father-daughter relationship with you. I’ll never understand why you failed to try.

Despite acknowledging your children as my siblings, I’ll never get to meet them. I’ll never understand why you chose not to tell them about me.

I’ll never understand why your wife has never accepted me, despite being told it was due to my deafness.

More so, I’ll never understand why you chose to stop being a father to me.

Steve with baby Sherrie

Instead of seeking out answers, I am choosing to let you go so I can finally move on.

I hope you have a long and fulfilling life.

I wish you all the best.

Sherrie x

One comment

  1. I share the similar experience when my late father left me when I was 2 years old until I was coming of age and I was called to leave Australia with my older sister to fly over to Canada to see the last breath of my father but he has passed away before arrival.

    I did not care about him anymore. I have a mother who looked after me and she was just like your mother who made mistakes along the way. For over 20 years of fighting, that is coming to an end, she did a little better than she was before because she went to the church which changed her life dramatically.

    I admire your talent in writing because I love the way you write.


    Danny (Leto Vorian Atreides)

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